


A Little Scared

by twitchtipthegnawer



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: First Crush, Friendship, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 03:26:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2757809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twitchtipthegnawer/pseuds/twitchtipthegnawer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon isn't sure what it is about Killua that frightens him, but he's almost certain it has nothing to do with his friend and everything to do with his own thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Scared

**Author's Note:**

> Six month old introspective piece about some of my favorite boys. This is the sort of thing I'm more comfortable writing but I'm not sure how happy I am with it, lol.

It still amazes Gon sometimes; how Killua can move like water and lightning when he fights. It’s this sort of fluidity he has that Gon has never seen before, not within Hisoka’s snakebite dance or Kite’s angry thunder. Killua leaves an afterimage even when he’s not falling into rhythm, the shape of him imprinting itself into Gon’s eyes and his stomach, leaving a thick joy coiled there at his core. Watching Killua fight is almost as good as fighting itself, almost as good as knowing that Killua will fight beside him. It makes him wonder if fighting Killua would be as good as it is in his dreams, adrenaline pumping hot and fast through his veins. He wonders who would win, if there would even be a victor. Somehow he imagines that if they were to fight they would just continue forever, never being able to overtake each other.

Gon knows that he can’t ever tell Killua that he thinks of these things. Killua would never fight him, he’s sure. Not even if Gon were trying to kill him. And Gon doesn’t begrudge him for that, the little bit of soft safety he has in his only friend. Gon can understand it, sort of; the instinct to keep their relationship quiet and steady, because he feels the same sort of softness in Killua, that Killua feels in him. It’s like the liquid electricity cools a bit, enough for him to reach in and touch it. He doesn’t, usually, because he’s a little afraid that reaching too far will change Killua forever. Sometimes when Gon thinks about it, really, he and Killua are the same.

Killua’s scars were fascinating to Gon, the first time he saw them. He followed their steps across his skin, mapping this whip and that burn in their pink puckered paths. A part of him was angry. Angry like when Illumi had taken his lightning away. Angry like when Killua had taken himself so far down that Gon didn’t know how to pull him back up. Those scars were the anchors that pulled him back to that dark place in his head, but Gon couldn’t quite hate them because they were also the threads that held that fluid form together. So Gon turned his head away, splashed cold water at Killua and laughed, and didn’t think too hard about what other scars existed, layered under skin and walls.

Maybe it was because he wasn’t in the habit of thinking of things like this, but Gon’s head hurt sometimes when he tried to think about how to talk to Killua about that fear and those scars. He wanted to. He really did. But he ached deep down when he thought about how. How to tell Killua that his scars were okay and his fear was shared and his strength was beautiful. It wasn’t that the words were so hard to find, but it was the way Killua would turn away when Gon complimented him, the nightmares Killua would slip from and wake up soaking in sweat and darkness, leaving Gon awake and frightened. His friend was strong, he knew, but why couldn’t they share their burdens, as well as their strength? Why did the thought of laying Killua’s secrets bare beside his own leave him so scared, when he knew he could trust Killua with anything in the world?

Gon watches Killua fight every day, through forests and mountains and people alike. He never gets tired of watching that lightning flow, never gets tired of taking his turn and showing his own strength to his friend. He doesn’t think of the worries then, when the scent of blood hangs heavy over them and nen hazes the air. He doesn’t think about it until later, when he’s almost alone in the dark and his brain is louder than any battle ever will be. Even then Gon finds it in him to forgive his own mind, sometimes, and he can find sleep like he had when he was young, perched in a tree and surrounded by wind. When he can quiet that battle, and go back to that time, he still finds it a bit changed, the leaves dipped in blood and a charge in his skin, but he doesn’t mind. Those are a part of Killua, a part of his best friend. And when he can forgive his own mind it’s turmoil, he can doubly forgive Killua.


End file.
